# *the team trauma.* ## **1. Cores** * **Core Theme:** Bodily autonomy, consent, institutional athletic commodification, grief, and learning to accept love as a “damaged” self rather than chasing an undamaged past. * **Biel Sheppard’s Ring:** A heavy gold band with roses engraved into it. Passed around like a hot potato, it acts as a physical proxy for grief, expectation, and control until it is stripped of its authority. * **Structure + meta-framing:** * Between chapters are excerpts from Jakey’s 2014 capstone writing project, *THE TEAM TRAUMA* (written during his Literature BFA, with revisions done 2017-2018, citations are undated). * The **entire novel** of *the team trauma.* is an epistolary piece curated/authored by Jakey. He blends actual events, fiction, poems, diary entries, clippings, and rants as a coping mechanism for his grief, guilt, and labor exhaustion. * In scenes where Jakey is absent, the prose sounds a bit more idealist, humorous, or overly flowery. These scenes are speculation and/or projective fan fiction of his loved ones. Scenes where Jakey is in (that happened for real) are grounded in physicality and dialogue feels messier, since he was actually there and he’s using exact quotes (as well as he can remember, anyways). * The text occasionally berates Jakey in second-person, i.e. “Why the fuck did you keep that one?” and “She’s your daughter.”—reflecting his extreme dissociation and self-flagellation --- ## **2. Characters** * **Angel Sheppard ( #48, Defenseman – SF Blades):** 24-year-old Mexican-Canadian trans man; son of late NHA legend Biel Sheppard. Won the championship Belrose Cup during his 2011 rookie season with the Wanderers. Surviving severe physical trauma and dissociative amnesia following an abusive relationship with Dylan Karr. Driven by a toxic urge to make his mother's death “worth it” through athletic sacrifice. * **Tomas Vinh "Turk" Trčka ( #13, Defenseman – SF Blades):** 24-year-old top-pair shutdown defenseman. A Vietnamese-Czech player silently navigating her suppressed identity as a trans woman while managing an expiring contract. * **Hans "Roxie" Roxas (Head Coach / de facto GM – SF Blades):** 37-year-old Filipino-American transmasc non-binary former stand-up goalie whose career ended in 2003 when Jakey’s skate blade cut their neck. Highly sentimental as a GM. Birth parent to Akari; navigating a long-term non-monogamous partnership with Dougie Campbell and Jakey Goldstrom. * **Jakob "Jakey" Goldstrom ( #79, Defenseman – Montreal Wanderers):** 37-year-old Scottish veteran defenseman. Biel's former teammate and Angel's surrogate father/big brother figure. Won the championship Belrose Cup in 2004 and 2011. Battling herniated/bulging discs (L4–L5, L5–S1) and chronic physical deterioration. Author of the novel *the team trauma.* and the project *THE TEAM TRAUMA*. * **Dae-sung "Dougie" Campbell ( #1, Goaltender – SF Blades):** 35-year-old starting goalie contemplating retirement. Primary father figure to Akari alongside Hans. * **Akari Roxas (Age 14):** Hans’s and Jakey’s daughter, raised by Hans, Dougie, Sid Sixby, and Eva. Pushing to play hockey to honor Hans’s lost career (in reality, she just thought it looked fun) * **Sid Sixby (Assistant Coach / de facto GM / NHA Deputy — SF Blades):** 42-year-old Alaskan Inuit former goaltender and mentor to Hans. She is highly pragmatic and analytical, the “Moneyball” half of the current de facto GM tandem. Sort of an older sister figure to Hans. * **Dylan Karr ( #88, Defenseman – Montreal Wanderers):** Angel’s abusive ex-partner. Protected by NHA media optics, institutional silence, and Angel’s lingering care for him. He becomes suicidal after Angel is traded away. * **Biel Sheppard (Deceased):** Legendary trans woman goaltender assassinated in the 2004 Le Forum attack. Mother to Angel. * **Charlie Belrose**: Retired Wanderers player, 46 years old, left the sport completely in 2010 at 39 after being diagnosed with cancer. Co-parent to Angel, Biel’s partner. Funded and supported Angel’s junior hockey. Currently living in Vancouver. * **Marie Holguin**: Painter and photographer, 47 years old. Birth mother to Angel, Biel’s former fiancée. Amicable with Charlie. She is protective of Angel and was reluctant to allow him to keep playing hockey after Biel’s death, but let him play on the condition he’ll play defense, not forward or goalie. Currently living in Calgary. --- ## **3. Detailed Chapter & Act Outline** ### **Prologue: RED ICE** > The crease is painted bright red. You know it’s not supposed to be red, it’s supposed to be blue. A recent development, perplexing. > > A voice shouts obscenities. It’s one of the defensemen. They’re always shouting. He throws his gloves off and presses his hands over your neck, firm. He’s apologizing over and over again, until it doesn’t sound like real words anymore. > > *I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.* > > The team is wearing the alternate jerseys tonight. Black and bronze, reminiscent of dim city lights in the evening, dark stains like storm clouds ripping the sky apart. > > A whistle blows, the linesman yells for a medic and a stretcher. The play is dead. The arena is incredibly quiet. You realize that you’re bleeding out. It’s not painful. You just feel a little cold. > > You are going to die. > > *Just hang on, okay? Stay with me, please, hold on. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.* He’s panicking, his voice hoarse, as if words could stop the bleeding. But sharp steel is unforgiving. He keeps begging for it to stop, his hands shaking. Your blood is pulsing through his fingers. His words don’t sound like words. *I’m sorry. Please.* > > His hands are warm on your skin. He’s trying to say your name, but he’s choking up. > > *It’s okay*, you tell him. *It’s fine. I’m fine.*  > > You collapse in his arms. JSG. “Red Ice” section. _The Team Trauma_, Dept. of Fine Arts, Golden State University, theteamtrauma.com. Accessed 1 Oct. 2018. * **Narrative:** Depicts Hans’s 2003 career-ending neck injury in the crease—bleeding out while a defenseman (Jakey) begs for them to hold on. Establishes the physical vulnerability of bodies within the NHA. --- ### **Act I: The Relay of the Ghost (September)** #### **The Weaponized Trust & The Switch** * **Angel’s Medical Fog:** Angel wakes up in teammate Zhenya Usatova's guest room in Montreal after a hospital discharge. He suffers from dissociative amnesia regarding his stay and recent TBI/concussion. He knows his body is broken (laparoscopic partial splenectomy, bruised ribs, internal trauma) but cannot remember the assault by Dylan Karr. * He doesn’t tell either of his surviving moms for now, worried that Charlie or Marie will fly over and see him. He is embarrassed to be this weak. * Zhenya takes care of him, though she’s also dealing with an injured knee. * Jakey packs his things for him and arrives at Zhenya’s. He cries and expresses he doesn’t want to lose Angel, and Angel gets pissed off at him. * Zhenya kicks him out of her house. * **The No-Trade Blindspot:** Following his 2011 Belrose Cup win as a rookie, Angel signed his post-entry-level extension while relying blindly on his agent (who also represents Jakey). Hating dense legal documents, Angel never checked the fine print, leaving him without a No-Trade Clause (NTC). * **The Administrative Deception (Forged Blade):** Desperate to pull Angel away from Dylan in Montreal, Jakey conspires with their shared agent. Taking advantage of a sleep-deprived Hans running on late-night exhaustion, Jakey convinces Hans that the incoming transfer fax is for *Jakey's* return to San Francisco. Hans, operating on fumes and desperate to bring Jakey home, signs off without reading the player name line. * They realize their mistake when Sid walks in the next morning, Angel’s contract in hand, chipper at the new acquisition. “Dude, what a steal. Plus Angel’s bridge contract doesn’t fuck with the cap space too much,” Sid says, sipping on her coffee as she walks into Hans’s office. “Way better than having to deal with Goldie’s contract. The Wands really pay him too much.” * Hans stares at her. They slam their face into the desk and groan. “Sid, I… have to make a call. Can you step out for a bit?” * She blinks, processing, then sighs. “Sure, coach.” As she leaves the office, she glances back and smirks. “Should I get Dougie for you?” * Hans flips her off as she leaves. They call Jakey, pissed. Jakey defends his trickery—they wouldn’t have signed Angel so quickly since Sid would’ve wanted to do some cost-benefit analysis or whatever, but Angel needed out *now*—Hans hangs up on him (because he’s right) * Dougie arrives at Hans’s office. “Sixby said I should—fucking hell, what happened?” * Hans is reluctant to explain, so they pivot to asking if Dougie wants an extension. Dougie refuses, saying he plans on retirement, and asks Hans again why they’re upset. * Hans grumbles about the trade not going their way, getting Angel instead of Jakey. Dougie has the same initial reaction as Sid, before his expression drops. * “You wanted your real man back home, I get it.” Dougie says, cold, and he leaves. * Hans lays their face on their desk again, grumbling. * **SFO Arrival & Secondary Inspection:** Angel arrives in California believing it was a cold, standard front-office trade. He is detained in Secondary Inspection by airport border agents suspicious of his severe facial/neck injuries before Matti Årud and Tomek Trčka pick him up. He texts Jakey the story as a funny thing, but Jakey reacts with horror. Angel calls him and scolds him for being dramatic again. * “Thank god I’m away from you now, too,” Angel teases, but it obviously hurts Jakey’s feelings to be compared to Dylan. Angel reels back. “Um. Sorry. I didn’t mean it that way. I know you’re just… protective.” * Jakey sighs, lets the silence linger. “No, it’s okay. I’m a bit much sometimes.” * “It’s why I like you,” Angel teases. “Never a dull day with Jakey. With his smart guy books and shit. Do you actually read them?” * “Yes, I do…” Jakey huffs a little, defensive. * “How’s your back?” Angel asks, quiet, squinting at the video call. “You winced just now.” * “I’ll be fine. Just bit of an ache. Just woke up from a nap.” * Angel grins. “Okay, old man.” * **Sending Biel’s Ring**: Jakey mails Hans Biel’s ring and asks them to hold onto it for Angel until his “hands are ready to receive them”, once again forcing a favor out of them. Hans is annoyed, but figures that it’s okay to help with Biel’s final will and testament, vague as she was. #### **The Weight of Inheritance** * **The Bench Shift:** Hans conducts medical evaluations and puts Angel on IR. Refusing to let Angel destroy his body and just play through his pain to make Biel's legacy “worth it,” Hans benches him. Angel misinterprets this protective boundary as condescension and pity and hates giving up his spot to a call-up player. * **Discovery of the Ring:** Hans leaves Biel’s gold ring in Angel’s locker with a note. Staring at it in his palm, Angel panics at its legacy but chooses to stay in San Francisco, move in with Tomek, and comply with his conditioning protocol. * **Epistolary Prelude:** > SF — A. SHEPPARD (D) — DAY-TO-DAY. Comment: Head coach Hans Roxas stated that Sheppard (lower body) will begin the 2017-18 regular season on the injured non-roster list, per SF Sports Chronicle. JSG. “Ticker” section. _The Team Trauma_, Dept. of Fine Arts, Golden State University, theteamtrauma.com. Accessed 1 Oct. 2018. --- ### **Act II: Manufactured Consent & Silent Mirrors (October – November)** #### **The Off-Hand Reveal & Ring Return** * **Epistolary Prelude:** > your blood > staining the ice > repainting the crease > > your blood > tracing the footsteps > coloring inside the lines JSG. “Eulogy” section. _The Team Trauma_, Dept. of Fine Arts, Golden State University, theteamtrauma.com. Accessed 1 Oct. 2018. * **The Slip:** During an October check-in to evaluate Angel’s return to play, Hans casually brings up the transfer workaround, assuming Angel was in on the plan to protect his own privacy. Hans off-handedly chuckles about how Jakey tricked them into signing off on Angel's transfer. * **Angel’s Crushed Mask:** Angel freezes. He realizes his own agent sold him out, Jakey treated him like helpless baggage, and San Francisco took him on only because Hans was tricked into signing the papers. * **The First Surrender:** Masking his internal breakdown, Angel quietly reaches into his pocket, sets Biel’s ring on Hans’s desk, tells Hans they don't have to keep pretending they wanted him, and walks out emotionally detached. #### **The Broken Call ("She Would Hate This")** * **Hans’s Epiphany:** Watching Angel walk away, Hans realizes with sickening clarity that Angel had *no idea*. Jakey didn't just bypass management; he stripped Angel of his agency. * **The Call:** Hans speed-dials Jakey in Montreal. The argument turns explosive. Jakey shouts that Angel was concussed, bleeding, and in no state to protect himself from Dylan Karr. Hans snaps, telling Jakey his savior complex is controlling and selfish. * **The Breakdown:** Hysterical, Hans repeats: *"She would hate this. Sheppy would fucking hate this! Why did she trust YOU? Why did she—"* until they are sobbing into the phone. Dougie Campbell steps in, takes the phone from Hans’s hand, snaps it shut, and holds Hans as they collapse. * **The Collision:** When the Montreal Wanderers visit San Francisco, Hans confronts Jakey in the tunnel. Hans berates Jakey for **forging Hans’s signature** to force Angel’s trade, violating both Hans's managerial authority and Angel's autonomy under the guise of “saving” him. Hans wanted to trade for Jakey. They miss him. Jakey apologizes, but Hans is in furious tears, yelling at him. They shove the ring back into Jakey’s hands, tells him that Biel asked *him* to keep it safe, not them. - Jakey is standing outside, clutching the ring, visibly shaken by Hans’s words and the realization of how deeply he violated boundaries in his effort to "fix" things. - **Tomek Trčka** comes out, a small backpack slung over his shoulder. Tomek is grounded, pragmatic, and unbothered by the suffocating legacy of the old Wanderers crew. - Jakey intercepts Tomek. Knowing he can't give the ring back to Angel right now without causing more harm, Jakey hands the ring to Tomek. Jakey: _"Keep this safe for Angel. Don't force him to take it. Don't make a big deal out of it. Just keep it."_ Tomek inspects the ring. He doesn't fully understand the complex 15-year history of Biel, Charlie, Hans, and Jakey—and he doesn't need to. Tomek’s perspective highlights true bodily and personal autonomy: he won't trick Angel into taking it, nor will he use it to pressure him. He respects Angel’s space and boundaries. Tomek nods calmly: _"I'll hold it."_ - Tomek is only vaguely aware of the ring’s significance, having seeing Angel hold it before. He slips the ring into his pocket alongside his own belongings, while Jakey watches him walk away—realizing that true protection isn't controlling someone's fate, but allowing them the autonomy to claim their own life when they're ready. #### **Forced Stillness, Disaster Game & The Tunnel Confrontation** > Found this really weird hockey card from the 2003-04 season. It's holo, which is cool. It’s of Dougie Campbell. The back says something strange, though, instead of the usual fun fact. > > “I’m sorry. I don’t deserve to be here. I really am sorry. Please don’t ask me anything else. Hans would hate this.” > > It’s his closing statement from his post-game interview after his first NHA start, only two days after Roxie’s career ending injury. Campbell let in 3 goals out of only 20 shots. The Blades lost. But no one really cared about that one loss, anyways. > > Everyone was scared Rox would die, and the GM refused to talk about why he’d paid out their contract and let them go from the Blades, insisting it’s a private matter, that their family—which they are estranged from—would make a statement soon. They never did. Goldstrom got traded to Montreal soon after. It was his fault. We know now that Roxie didn’t die, but it really seemed like it. Them suddenly becoming a recluse after their injury didn’t help the rumor that they’ve died. Maybe it was easier for them to be dead for a while, considering the state of the Blades and the NHA back then. > > Sixby was devastated and played even worse than Campbell. Cam didn’t have a choice. He put up some great numbers for the latter half of the 2002-03 season. Sixby demoted herself to secondary goalie due to some stress injuries, then retired the next season. Campbell’s been starting goalie since, but he’ll probably retire soon, when his contract is up. Must be weird that Roxas is head coach and GM now. I wonder if they’re close. > > It’s still a weird thing to put on a hockey card, though. Maybe it’s a knockoff card. But who the hell made it? JSG. “Dougie” section. _The Team Trauma_, Dept. of Fine Arts, Golden State University, theteamtrauma.com. Accessed 1 Oct. 2018. * **Tomek’s Injury & The Mirror:** During a game, Tomek suffers a severe shoulder sprain along the boards. Placed on IR, forced stillness compels her to confront her suppressed identity as a trans woman while turning Biel's ring over in her hands. * **Domestic Attachment & Suppression:** Angel falls fast into a domestic routine with Tomek, using physical intimacy as a trauma shield. Recovered, Tomek aggressively suppresses her gender realization to perform as "Turk" on the ice. Overwhelmed by holding the ring as it forces her to reflect on her own identity, Tomek hands it back to Hans. - Tomek walks in post-skate, sweat still drying on his neck, his face entirely blank. In a move identical to Angel’s weeks prior, Tomek reaches into his pocket, pulls out Biel’s ring, and sets it down on Hans’s desk with a dull, heavy clink. He doesn't offer an explanation, a joke, or his usual dry wit. He just turns on his heel to leave. - Hans stops writing, looks down at the gold band sitting on their desk, and rubs the bridge of their nose in sheer, bone-deep exhaustion. - “Turk,” Hans sighs, voice deadpan. “Why did you have this?” Tomek pauses at the door, refusing to meet Hans's eyes. “Goldstrom told me to hold it as a favor. I don’t want to anymore." - Before Hans can push further into why Tomek looks so unnerved, Tomek pulls the door shut, leaving Hans alone with the ring for the third time this season. - **Hans and Jakey’s Call:** Exhausted, Hans calls Jakey in Montreal. They stop arguing over signatures and lament their shared ignorance over Biel’s will. The will stated to *"give the band to Angel when he's ready,"* but neither knows if Biel meant a hockey milestone or freedom from the league's trauma. - "It’s back on my desk, Jakey," Hans says without greeting, voice dangerously quiet. "Tomek just marched in here and dumped it like it’s radioactive toxic waste." - Jakey lets out a long, heavy exhale over the line. He sounds tired, worn out by the constant friction between Montreal and San Francisco, and sick of playing middleman. "Rox, I didn't mean for—" - "No, listen to me," Hans cuts in, dropping their head onto their palm. "I don't want to fight with you about signatures or trades or who saved who anymore. But this is getting fucking stupid. It’s a piece of metal, Goldie, and it’s driving everyone here out of their fucking mind." - "Did she ever actually explain it to you?" Hans asks, their tone softening as they trace the edge of the ring. "In her will, it just said: 'Give the band to Angel when he's ready'. Ready for what? You didn’t give it to him when he got drafted and was your rookie." - Jakey stands in the Montreal cold, leaning against a brick wall, eyes closed. “I thought she meant when he fell in love, but… Well, you know.” - Hans sighs loudly. “So what do we do with it? What did Sheppy actually want with her ring?” - "I don't know," Jakey admits, his voice cracking slightly. "I really don’t know." * **The Chain:** Hans wears the ring on a chain to hide it in plain sight, sparking green-card marriage rumors with Jakey. * Exhausted by the endless game of hot potato and the emotional ghost haunting their office, Hans loops Biel’s ring onto a thick silver chain and fastens it around their neck. They wear it publicly over their coaching polos during practices and pressers. Hans thinks this will strip the object of its secretive power, neutralizing the anxiety by hiding it in plain sight. * The NHA grapevine immediately jumps to the easiest, most mundane conclusion: Hans and Jakey Goldstrom are finally getting married. Gossip spreads through the league that the long-distance pair are tying the knot so Jakey—a Scottish citizen currently playing out his final contract year with the Montreal Wanderers—can secure US citizenship to join Hans in California permanently. Teammates throw snarky congratulations at Hans during morning skates, treating the silver chain like a sitcom punchline. Hans lets the rumor stand because explaining the truth is too exhausting. * Hans argues with Dougie over this—do they not love him anymore? Hans is too old to be having this kind of juvenile argument, and they both feel terrible. Akari favors Dougie, as she’s never been close to Jakey. Hans struggles to sort out their complicated relationships: they love both Jakey and Dougie. And if they had to marry Jakey to keep him with them, they would, but that doesn’t mean they love Dougie any less. * **The Disaster Game (November):** On the ice against Montreal, Dylan Karr cross-checks Angel in his unhealed abdomen and injures Matti Årud. In the scuffle, Jakey tweaks his already-injured back and he’s taken out of the game. * **Hans’s Ring Confrontation and “She’s Your Daughter”:** Deeply pissed that Jakey previously attempted to wash his hands of his own responsibilities and routed emotional burdens through Tomek, Hans shoves Biel's ring back into Jakey's hands in the arena tunnel. Hans demands Jakey stop playing proxy games, face his own grief, and honor Biel's wishes himself. Jakey bumbles about how Angel is like family to him—almost like a son. Hans reveals to Jakey that Akari is his biological daughter, out of bitter spite. The shock shatters their dynamic completely. * “Why didn’t you call?” “You wouldn’t have been able to do anything about it, Jakey, they traded you here after our little *incident*, remember?” “I… thought you’d died. We all thought you died, that’s why Biel...” “Maybe I fucking *did* die, Jake, maybe you *did* kill me.” * After Hans leaves and the adrenaline wears off, Jakey nearly collapses from the pain back in the locker room, his left leg goes numb and dead. * Zhenya’s the one who catches him, berates him for having such an obvious and loud argument with Roxie in public while the press are still around, tells him that it’s gonna blow up on Twitter, he’s gonna be a stupid meme again. He gets a headache and insists to the medical personnel he’s fine, but he’s rushed to the ER. Small commentary on how despite Jakey’s critical awareness, he still elevates his own labor over the non-player workers in the arena. * Jakey’s lumbar spine collapses (`Mild disc bulge at L4-L5 and L5-S1 with mild right L4-L5 and mild bilateral L5-S1 neural foraminal narrowing). --- ### **Act III: Living Legacies & Labor Power (December – Early March)** #### **The December Garage Breakdown & Sabbatical** * **Epistolary Prelude:** > I wake up cold, covered in sweat. I sit up, stomach tight, my throat threatening to jump out. I rub my neck. > > You’re still asleep on the other side of the bed, curled up. Your brows are furrowed, mouth set in a deep frown, short black hair tied back in a stubby ponytail. > > I lay back down, scoot closer to wrap an arm around you. Your expression softens slightly, the tension melting. > > The scar is obvious, even after all these years. It hasn’t faded. It’s been baked to your skin instead. I still feel awful whenever I see it, though you’ve never blamed me. > > You stir, then yawn loudly. *You woke me up,* you growl. > > *Sorry*. I apologize and let go of you. My hands hesitate, words unable to form. > > I’m sorry that I let go of you. > > *What? You need something?* You ask, before draping your arms over my body. > > Your brown eyes are sleepy, blinking at me in the dim city light that’s bleeding through the curtains. You poke at my fingers and at my own scars, waiting for a response. > > *Stay with me,* I end up saying. *Please stay with me.* > > You laugh softly, close your eyes, and press your head to my chest. JSG. “Scar” section. _The Team Trauma_, Dept. of Fine Arts, Golden State University, theteamtrauma.com. Accessed 1 Oct. 2018. * **The Physical & Mental Collapse:** The accumulated wear of 15 years as an undrafted blue-liner, combined with the crushing guilt of Angel's trade, holding Biel's ring in isolation, and the shock of the Akari reveal, leads Jakey to a complete physical and spiritual breakdown. * **The Garage Scene (Montreal):** Struck by severe, burning nerve flares down his left leg, a prednisone haze, and overwhelming despair, Jakey stumbles into his Montreal garage. He grabs three old composite sticks—including one with a dark bloodstain from Hans’s 2003 neck injury—and violently shatters them against his workbench and floor, embedding fiberglass slivers in his thumbs. * **Epistolary Prelude:** > **User talk: jaberdeen** > **Notice:** You have been indefinitely blocked from editing Wikipedia for persistent violations of **Neutral Point of View (WP:NPOV)**, **Conflict of Interest (WP:COI)**, and **No Original Research (WP:NOR)** on the article *Hans Roxas*. JSG. “Revisionist” section. _The Team Trauma_, Dept. of Fine Arts, Golden State University, theteamtrauma.com. Accessed 1 Oct. 2018. * **The Sabbatical Escape:** Placed on official IR by the Wanderers, Jakey walks away mid-season, taking an indefinite leave/sabbatical. Desperate to spend time with Angel and attempt to repair his relationship with Hans, he packs his bags and impulsively flies to San Francisco, bringing the ring with him. * **Arrival in SFO:** Jakey takes refuge in Angel and Tomek's apartment, staying in Angel’s unused bedroom (as Angel now sleeps in Tomek's room). He wants to stay with Hans, but Hans is still mad at him and needs some space. He keeps Biel’s ring on his own finger. * **The Kitchen Scene:** Over coffee, Angel asks Jakey the blunt question he asked fourteen years ago after Biel died: *"Is hockey not fun for you anymore?"* Jakey nods softly, admitting his career is over. Tomek frowns at that—like, wait, you guys are having *fun*? * **Epistolary Prelude:** > MTL — J. GOLDSTROM (D) INJURED RESERVE. Comment: Goldstrom (back) is out indefinitely, the team announced yesterday. JSG. “Ticker” section. _The Team Trauma_, Dept. of Fine Arts, Golden State University, theteamtrauma.com. Accessed 1 Oct. 2018. #### **Akari’s Goal & Rejection of the Heirloom** * **The Offered Ring & Angel's Rejection:** When Jakey and Hans finally attempt to formally offer Biel's ring to Angel together at the start of winter break, Angel casually shrugs and says he’ll probably just sell or pawn it—it’s her engagement ring, yes, but it’s from a past engagement with Marie. Neither Angel nor his mother Marie is actually all that attached to it, hence Biel giving it to Jakey to be in charge of. * **The Realization:** Horrified by the thought of Biel's heirloom at a pawn shop, both Hans and Jakey freeze. Angel shrugs again and tells Jakey he can just keep it—he knew it was from Jakey, which is why he’d tried to give it back to Hans. Jakey blinks, the absurdity hitting him all at once, as he realizes how stupid and hollow his fourteen-year game of emotional hot potato was. Angel comments that Biel probably just wanted to make him feel like part of the family—that ring is Biel’s engagement ring with Marie, that they eventually broke off; Biel’s engagement and wedding bands with Belrose went to her, obviously. He also adds that “when Angel’s hands are ready” probably just meant “when the ring will fit”. Angel asks why Jakey never asked him or Belrose about it from the last fourteen years. * Jakey just blinks and feels incredibly stupid. Hans sighs loudly. “Why didn’t you ask?” (mirroring their previous argument) Jakey instantly scowls back at them. “I did, I just… Hey, we’re *both* stupid here.” * Angel just snorts and leaves them to argue and bicker—this scene establishes that the narrative never really knew what was going on in Angel’s head, only Jakey’s interpretation of events. * Notably, the narrative stops strictly following the ring and starts following Biel’s “ghost” of her influence. * **The Goalie Gear in the Hallway:** While visiting the Roxas house, Jakey’s back spasms as he spots Hans’s old, creased goalie pads airing out near the living room. Assuming the worst, Jakey groans, *"She’s playing hockey? What, to fulfill your legacy?"* Hans looks at him, incredulous: *"I didn’t want her to! I... Kari wanted to try goalie. She wanted to, not me."* When Jakey asks in disbelief if she actually wanted to play, Hans scratches at their neck scar and shrugs: *"Said it looked fun."* The quiet irony hits Jakey—realizing Akari is playing out of simple joy, completely unburdened by the mythic trauma the adults built around the sport. * **Coming Out as Vinh & Contract Friction:** In their apartment, Tomek breaks down on the kitchen floor, coming out to Angel as a trans woman and asking him to call her **Vinh** in private. As extension talks begin, Vinh suppresses her identity to negotiate as "Tomek" to protect her contract, fearing transmisogynistic backlash. Angel, having transitioned as a trans man in the public eye, fails to understand Vinh's fears regarding institutional misogyny, creating deep friction. * The apartment is suffocating. On the ice, their chemistry has eroded completely. Off the ice, the domestic haven they built is cracking under the weight of suppressed trauma and unsaid truths. Angel is spiraling into paranoid hyper-vigilance—misinterpreting Tomek’s physical distress and emotional withdrawal as the beginning of abandonment or rejection, echoing his past with Dylan. Tomek, back in the lineup after his shoulder sprain, feels like his body is breaking under two separate pressures: the physical demands of NHA defense and the internal dysphoria he is desperately trying to crush. * A trivial argument over hockey gear or team schedules boils over into raw, unfiltered exhaustion. Angel demands to know why Tomek won't look at him, why he handed Biel’s ring back to Hans, and why he’s pulling away. "If you want me out, just say it! Don't treat me like a roommate you're stuck with!" Tomek snaps—not with anger, but with a sudden, sobbing release of tension that leaves him shaking in the middle of the kitchen. * Sitting down on the floor, holding her uninjured arm tight against her chest, she finally says the truth out loud. She tells Angel that she isn't pulling away from him—she is suffocating inside a performance. She confesses her deep, lifelong struggle with her gender identity: that she isn't a man, that playing elite hockey in a hyper-masculine system forced her into a mold she can no longer inhabit, and that she needs to transition. * "I looked at her ring, Angel," she whispers. "And I didn't see your mom or your burden. I saw what I was hiding from." * **The Shift in Legacy:** Angel lets go of his codependent panic and sits beside her. The POV narrative detaches from the physical ring and attaches to **her**—the living embodiment of Biel Sheppard's radical self-possession. * The defense mechanisms Angel built up drop instantly. Hearing her vulnerability breaks through his paranoid fear of abuse. For the first time, Angel doesn't view intimacy as a fast contract or a physical transaction to buy safety. He sits beside her on the floor, offering a quiet, deliberate presence. * He realizes that Biel Sheppard’s legacy was never about wearing her jersey number, taking her hits, or carrying her gold ring. Biel’s true spirit was her radical self-possession—the courage of a trans woman carving out her own humanity in a league built to reduce bodies to commodities. * Angel takes her hand—not out of codependency or fear, but as two people finally seeing each other as whole, self-owned human beings. * **Friction Over Disclosure:** With her Blades contract expiring at the end of the season, Vinh refuses to come out publicly yet, fearing **institutional backlash, lost market value, and transmisogynistic abuse**. Angel, having transitioned as a trans man whose identity was absorbed into athletic masculinity, fails to understand how Vinh's trans womanhood overlaps with league and societal misogyny, causing deep friction between them. * Angel struggles deeply with Vinh’s decision to hide. Having transitioned as a trans man in the public eye, Angel views coming out as the ultimate act of liberation and self-actualization—the moment you force the world to stop misnaming you. * Angel pushes her, frustration leaking into their quiet home conversations: "You’re living a double life. You’re already doing the hard part by knowing who you are—why keep wearing their jersey under false pretenses? Just come out. Look at Khai. Look at Skyler." * Despite knowing what his mother, Biel Sheppard, endured—the public scrutiny, the institutional cruelty, and the physical toll of playing as a trans woman in the NHA—Angel’s own trauma keeps him from seeing that Vinh’s delay isn't cowardice. It is survival. * **Contract Talks:** Sitting across from Hans, Vinh suppresses her identity to negotiate as "Turk," feeling consumed by institutional duty to the Team. * As contract extension talks begin, Vinh sits across from Hans Roxas and the Blades’ front-office representatives, including Sid Sixby. * The management discusses her "value" in purely mechanical terms: her left-shot shutdown capability, her physical presence at 6'1" and 210 lbs, her durability, and her cap hit. They speak to her as "Turk"—the dependable male anchor of their blue line. Vinh nods, answers in clipped monosyllables, and swallows her sense of self. The institutional duty to the Team, the fear of losing her livelihood, and the threat of becoming a "draft bust" or labor liability consume her identity whole. * Hans pulls her aside afterward, asking what’s wrong. She manages a very believable lie of the “business” side of hockey making her anxious. Hans just nods, assures her that she’s in good hands. They also fail to see Vinh, still only seeing “Turk”. * Sitting beside Angel on the ice during team drills, Vinh plays her role perfectly, but her eyes are deadened—hockey’s *not fun anymore*, it’s backbreaking and excruciating *labor*. She suppresses her dysphoria to perform as the laborer the Blades have bought. She realizes that the machine doesn't just demand your body; it demands that you stay the person they drafted until the ink on the paper dries. - **The Breakdown of Empathy:** In the car, Angel tries to reach for her hand, but Vinh pulls away. - _"You think I'm doing this because I don't trust myself,"_ Vinh says softly, her voice flat. _"You think it's easy because you fought your way in. But if I come out now, before this contract is finalized, I'm not just a player taking a risk, Angel. To them, I become a liability. A circus. Just like Biel was to Montreal."_ - Angel flinches at the mention of Biel, unable to counter her. - They drive in total silence through the Bay Area fog. Vinh keeps her gaze straight ahead as she drives, whispering her true name under her breath where no microphone, coach, or partner can hear it. The ghost of Biel isn't sitting in a ring on a desk anymore; it is driving the fucking car, waiting for Vinh to decide when she is ready to stop letting the Team own her life. #### **Ghosts in the Forum** - Epistolary Prelude: > **D-KKK** > This is your fault. Congrats on another one. JSG. “D-KKK” section. _The Team Trauma_, Dept. of Fine Arts, Golden State University, theteamtrauma.com. Accessed 1 Oct. 2018. * **February in Montreal:** Angel and Vinh visit Biel’s memorial garden outside Le Forum, standing before the oak tree Angel planted with Jakey, Marie, Charlie, and Zhenya in 2004. It’s not in bloom. Angel leads Vinh on a tour around the small garden, stops at the oak tree. There’s an inscribed plate there with Biel’s name. He’s never noticed it, but the inscription also says “Live your own truth”. Vinh taps it, looks at Angel. * “She could say that because she’d just signed a multi-million dollar extension,” Vinh mumbles. “You get that, right?” * Angel nods. “It didn’t save her, though.” * “No.” She sighs, conflicted. “It didn’t.” * “What would?” * Vinh shrugs, leans into Angel’s arms. “I don’t know. Revolution?” * Angel laughs softly. “Okay.” * “I’m right.” * “You are.” * **The Clash on Ice:** During the game, Dylan Karr targets Vinh with cheap, malicious hits. When Angel steps in to protect her, Vinh drops her gloves herself, stepping inside Dylan's reach to land a punch that knocks out his front tooth and sprays blood on his stupid, tinted visor. Vinh doesn't need to be sheltered. Pushed past her limit—not just by Dylan’s dirty play, but by the months of suppressing her name, her gender, and her humanity for the sake of the NHA—Vinh snaps. * In the penalty box, spitting blood, Vinh looks over at Angel with a grin. She looks cute yet powerful to him, in a way a wolf pup might after chewing on a carcass. It feels like a moment of pure, cathartic triumph—a reclamation of space against the man who terrorized their blue line. * Post-game, Dylan is hospitalized after a suicide attempt and sends Angel a guilt-inducing message. * (OFF-SCREEN) The next morning, Angel visits Dylan at the hospital. Vinh tries to go with him, concerned, but he shakes his head and says he’ll be okay. He stands quietly in the sterile room, realizing Dylan is not a mythic monster or a tragic antihero. He’s just a broken, pathetic guy. Angel drops emergency contact info for Dylan's family on the table and leaves. * Jakey’s waiting outside of Angel’s hotel room, pacing around while his back is killing him. Angel sees him on his way back. He’s panicking, having gotten the same texts from Dylan, tells Angel not to see him. Angel flatly tells him that he already went. Jakey’s confused. * “You… what? Why would you—” * “Because he tried to kill himself. I know what that’s like.” Angel sighs. “He’s fine now. His family’s handling it, they’re flying over later today.” * Jakey stares at him. “Are… you okay?” * “Is it any of your business?” Angel shakes his head, unlocks the hotel door. He pauses. “Sorry, I know you’re just… But I’m tired. And I’m not a kid anymore.” * Jakey hangs his head. “I’m sorry. What… can I do *anything* for you?” * Angel smiles slightly, squeezes Jakey’s arm. “Just do your PT, Goldie. And stop reading NHA gossip blogs.” * “Ah.” Jakey sighs. “I should get a real hobby, then, huh?” * “Yeah.” * The Blades leave Montreal for their next stop, but Angel falls into a slump from the sheer emotional exhaustion finally hitting him—he’s no longer haunted and he’s happy at home with Vinh, but he’s still in the NHA meat grinder. He gets demoted from the power play and penalty kill unit. Hans asks if he needs a break. Angel insists on playing through it, and Hans can’t argue, since Angel in a slump is still better than a call-up. * **Epistolary Prelude:** > MTL — D. KARR (D) INJURED RESERVE. Comment: Karr (undisclosed) was placed on the injured non-roster list on Friday. JSG. “Ticker” section. _The Team Trauma_, Dept. of Fine Arts, Golden State University, theteamtrauma.com. Accessed 1 Oct. 2018. #### **Goodnight, Hockey** * Full-length, first-person chapter (Jakey's voice). Presented as the complete text of his *Players' Tribune* retirement essay published on March 3rd (the 14th anniversary of Biel's death) * **Content:** Jakey addresses his lumbar spine failure, his past decade of athletic sacrifice, the illusion of "nobility" in physical destruction, and his decision to walk away from his contract to sit on the floor in San Francisco and rest. He reuses poetic fragments and lines from his 2014 BFA blog posts, as well as from the previous “omniscient third-person” chapters, softly confirming his meta-authorship. * This chapter stands as Jakey's final active physical presence in the book. After this chapter, he steps into the background, leaving Act IV to be written from afar as the rest of the roster takes over the story. He fully believes that a “good” ending needs to have him absent from it. Jakey does not realize the incredible irony of making it about himself again. --- ### Act IV: The Dark Ice (Spring 2018) * **Narrative Distance & Meta-Author Note (Act IV):** Following his March 3rd retirement article, Jakey remains the curator/author of the Act IV prose, but he intentionally writes himself out of the physical scenes. Possessing a tragic, meta-level awareness of his own savior complex, he concludes that the kindest thing he can do for the people he loves is to author a resolution where he doesn't exist. He sits in Hans’s house, writing speculative, unvarnished prose about the wildcat strike and the dark arena from afar. His self-imposed exile is both a genuine step toward letting others heal and the ultimate indulgence of his martyr complex—a contradiction capped off by his unhinged 13-question MFA worksheet, where he asks if he gets credit for rescuing people by writing his own absence. #### **Collective Rest & The Lockout** > I broke myself again and again and again and again until I could reach what you were reaching for and grabbed it, held it in the air for all to see. I said it was for you. Everyone else says I’ve reached the peak. But you can’t tell me that. You can’t tell me if it was all worth it, you can’t tell me I did a good job, you can’t do anything. Your blood stains the ice and the river and the bay and my hands and my mind. But I’m colorblind. I don’t actually know what *red* blood looks like. It just looks dark to me. That’s how I remember it. > > I told you that when we first met. I said I couldn’t tell the difference between red and green, I have to rely on the shades of brown it all flattens into. And then you laughed and told me that your tinnitus sounds like cheering, if you squint hard enough. > > “I don’t see everything and you don’t hear everything.” I mused. > > Then you said, “*Well, does anyone?*” > > I thought it was funny. JSG. “Again and again and again” section. _The Team Trauma_, Dept. of Fine Arts, Golden State University, theteamtrauma.com. Accessed 1 Oct. 2018. * **The Playoff Sweep (April):** The Blades enter the postseason as a wildcard team and are swept 4-0 by the Edmonton Colts in the first round. * Game 1 and 2 in Edmonton are blowouts. Angel is wildly unfocused and his previously broken foot becomes irritated. He hides it from the team. - By Game 3 in San Francisco at Dogpatch Arena, Hans desperately tries to reshuffle the blue line, but Vinh refuses to sit out, pushing her physical limits despite the exhaustion. She is still under the impression she has no other choice but to preform as “Tomek Trcka”. - In Game 4, the final nail in the coffin, Vinh takes a devastating hit along the boards that re-aggravates her shoulder sprain. She finishes the game in agonizing pain, but the Blades are shut out and officially swept 4-0. - In the dark locker room, Angel unlaces Vinh's skates for her injured shoulder while still wincing from the pain of his re-injured foot. They realize surviving NHA violence is not a prize worth fighting for. - **Silent Flat:** Living room of their shared San Francisco apartment; 3:00 AM two days after returning from Edmonton. Bay Area fog presses thick against the floor-to-ceiling windows, blocking out the city lights. The apartment is entirely dark except for the faint blue glow of the kitchen ice machine. Ice packs, compression sleeves, and half-empty bottles of anti-inflammatories line the coffee table. Neither of them can sleep. The physical transition off the playoff schedule causes a violent "crash"—their nervous systems are still wired for high-impact collisions, but their joints and muscles are locking up in stasis. - Vinh is propped up on the couch in an oversized shirt, her left arm immobilized in a soft sling. Angel is lying on the floor beside the couch, his back pressed against the baseboards, staring up at the ceiling. - They pass a single bag of frozen peas back and forth—Angel resting it against his aching ribs, Vinh shifting it to her neck. - Vinh speaks into the dark, her voice low and raspy from exhaustion: _"I don't think I can do another training camp, Angel."_ - Angel doesn't flinch or push back about "getting back on the horse" or "fighting for next year." Having survived his own physical breakdown and the ghost of Dylan, he simply turns his head to look at her in the dim light. - Vinh admits out loud for the first time how hollow the series felt: _"I gave them everything I had against Edmonton. I let them smash me into the glass for four games. And for what? So we could get swept and do it all over again in September?"_ - Angel leans his forehead against her uninjured shoulder from behind. _"Then don't,"_ he whispers. _"Don't give them September."_ - This moment cements Angel's complete shift in perspective: he no longer views hockey as the sole proof of his or Vinh's worth. He sees her bodily autonomy and peace as infinitely more valuable than any roster spot or cap hit. * **Vinh’s Refusal:** Hans slides a multi-year top-pair contract extension across the desk. Vinh crosses out her legal birth name, writes *Vinh*, and puts the pen down, announcing a sabbatical/gap year to transition on her own terms. * **Hans’s Epiphany:** Hans realizes that building a "friendly" facility in San Francisco cannot protect players from an exploitative league machine without systemic change. * **The Lockout:** Inspired by Jakey's early retirement, Vinh's sabbatical, and collective player exhaustion, many uninjured-on-paper players start a wildcat strike, and the entire Blades roster does not show up for training camp in solidarity. Being supportive of the movement, Hans does not call up any replacement players, and the NHAPU finally formally adopts the strike, triggering a league lockout. Opening night at Dogpatch Arena arrives with the lights off—the dark rink standing as a monument to collective player resistance. * **The Junk Drawer Epilogue:** During the lockout, Akari searches the hallway junk drawer for a roll of clear tape. She shoves aside old keys, paperclips, and the gold ring. She picks it up for a split second, scoffs at how heavy and ugly it is (_"Who even bought this?"_), drops it back onto a box of thumbtacks, grabs her tape, and slams the drawer shut. * “Kari, don’t slam drawers.” Jakey groans from the floor, laying on his back and typing away on his phone. * “You’re not my dad—” Akari starts to retort back, catches herself, and sighs. She rubs her brows, just like Hans does. * “You’re right, though, I’m really not.” Jakey mumbles back. “I’m sorry.” * She just laughs at him, cutting through his pathetic performance. “How did Hans ever like you?” * “No idea.” #### **Epistolary Epilogue: Articulation Questions** * **Epilogue Text:** Discussion/articulation questions from Jakey’s BFA capstone project *The Team Trauma* (2014, revised 2018 as he prepares for an MFA). It does not have a citation and is presented as a “real” part of the novel, each question has it’s own page with blank lines underneath, like it’s the world’s most unhinged worksheet. > **ARTICULATION / DISCUSSION QUESTIONS** > 1. Who might “You” be referring to in the epistolary sections of the project? > 2. How does the alternating structure between prose and shitty poetry affect the pacing of the narrative? > 3. Who was I actually writing for back in 2014? Angel, Biel, Hans, or just my own fucking ego? Did my writing save them? Does it matter? Is it still saving someone if nobody asked me to do it? Is it still a rescue if they hated me for it? > 4. If I put the ring in someone else's hands, does that make me a protector, or did I just hand off the burden so I wouldn't have to look at it anymore? Is this whole thing just _The Lord of the Rings_ but with worse knees and an ugly HTML template? > 5. What if the bad guy in _The Team Trauma_ isn't the NHA, or Dylan, or capitalism—what if it's just me with a worthless BFA, a keyboard, and a savior complex? > 6. Do you think Sheppy would be proud of me for trying, or would she just tell me to shut the hell up and mind my own business, *you sensitive white boy*? > 7. Did anyone actually read these posts when I put them up, or was I just screaming into a dark digital void, desperate for someone to tell me I’m a good person? Does any of this sound insightful, or do I just sound desperate? Please tell me it doesn't just sound desperate. > 8. Am I transgender? Sorry, you can ignore this one. > 9. Am I a bad person for wishing Dylan went through with it? Is it pathetic to keep looking for meaning in a real story where everyone just ends up tired and alienated? > 10. Didn’t Marx talk about all this shit already? What am I contributing, besides a waste of electricity and paper? Is this really labor? It’s more masturbatory, isn’t it? Is jacking off labor? > 11. Am I allowed to ask for credit for fixing things that I broke in the first place? > 12. What role does the physical setting of Dogpatch Arena play in grounding the story's emotional arc? > 13. How do the themes of institutional commodification manifest across different sports narratives?